No Hugs Allowed!

What a pathetic blog Lucca- nothing has gone up on this thing in weeks. We're supposed to be a society that's consistently connected to technology with the need to update everyone on everything we're doing at every minute. I hope you didn't start this blog and then prioritize things like your life and job ahead of it.

I don't even have anything to write, I just felt bad that the blog was neglected. Plus, I need to wait for the traffic to die down before I drive home from work.

I actually do have a very important, actually, soul saving, message to deliver. It's a little thing we like to call the Christian Side Hug, or CSH, which is fantastic. Now, I know religion and politics are supposed to be left on the sideline when it comes to public forums, and I hate when people try to infuse their facebook postings with these things. Honestly, I think I'm pulling out of facebook asap. I can't stand people's need to validate their lives by telling everyone how happy they are, how much they love their significant others, or how interesting their day was or their job is or whatever. No one cares, honestly, just stop. Are you that insecure about yourself that you need to tell everyone how great things are going? I worry the most about those who pile up the posts - are they bored, unhappy, regretful, or just nervous that people won't know how great their husband/wife/job/dog/children/house/vacation/dinner/social life is - because let's face it, nothing matters unless everyone else knows about it so they can see how great and interesting things are. Maybe instead of facebook, these people just need a hug.......make that, a Christian Side Hug!!!!

I love this - everything about it. My brother in laws were giving each other Christian Side Hugs during one of our holiday get togethers, and no this isn't incestuous and it's completely legal, I think. In fact, the Christian Side Hug is a safe, clean, promiscuous free way to guarantee you get into heaven. The origination is this - due to the racy nature of the straight on hug, which apparently is only a step below actual intercourse and for generations has tempted young folks with impure thoughts of wanting to get it on as their privates come face to face in the embrace, the Christian Side Hug is the safe way to show your mutual respect for one another without the temptation of becoming aroused which in turn sends you straight to hell. It's very easy to do - you face the person you'd like to hug as if you will hug them, and they do the same. But, you then step to their side, put your arm around their back and rest it gently on their opposite shoulder (be sure not to pinch or tickle as you reach for their opposite shoulder and only delicately rest your hand upon it as any pressure may be misconstrued as an advance). Then you both smile and sigh knowing that you have averted eternal damnation.

There's a link to a hysterical rap video and numerous other links detailing the importance of this act, but it's not worth the time to cut and paste it here. Feel free to Louggle it (Hot Tub Time Machine???) if you're looking to kill a few brain cells.

Just remember the next time you see an old friend that you haven't seen in years - if you care about this person and their future, you'll show them the ways of the CSH.

Afternoon TV and That Old Show About the Male Stripper

I'm at home today watching my three month old daughter, so what better time for my first contribution. Unless she wakes up, which has happened several times already, I'll get through this with my sanity.

There's not much to offer for daytime TV these days - lots of Law & Order, LOTS of Law & Order, and then some sports, terrible movies, soaps, afternoon talk shows, some news stuff, tons of syndicated shows. I think the Food Network and HGTV offer the best options - they show the same stuff regardless of the time of day so it doesn't matter when you watch - you're getting a cooking show or a house hunting/reonvation show and you'll like it.

I've decide to do a blog for the show Yes, Dear, showing at both 1 and 1:30 on TBS. I never knew this show went off the air - I actually can't remember when it was on. It says this episodes is from 2001 - it's entitled "Guess Who's Not Coming to Dinner". I think it's a take on that old movie - holy smoke I just saw the hottest ad for Beyonce's fragrance, no time log, just know it happened between 1 and 1:30 - amazing. Umm, I can't remember what I was writing.

So, I've never watched Yes, Dear, I honestly have no idea what it's about or who's in it, but apparently it was on sometime last decade, toward the beginning, and it's now in syndication - they will syndicate anything, it's unbelievable. Nobody watched these shows when there on in primetime. So here were go

1: 19 - picking up on end of the 1:00 episode, there's a kid who got sent home form school for fighting, and his mother and two other guys are talking to him. I think one is the principal, the other guy's dressed as a cop. He must me a male stripper (no gun). So the show's about a woman who's married to a male stripper with a dysfunctional kid

1:21 - the cop stripper and his wife are fighting about not having enough sex in front of the principle - this is such a staple of terrible 40 something family sitcoms - lack of sex and the hilarity that ensues. When will they come up with a sitcom where the guy sells viagra - actually scratch that, there'd be nothing to talk about if the couple was actually having sex

1:22 - wait, the woman just asked if she should drop out of college because her stripper husband feels like they don't see each other enough, what with the troubled kid and all. She looks older, must be a non traditional student

1:23 - the principal just left so the two can have a "serious" talk about how life is changing

1:24 - the man is actually a security guard stripper, not a cop, my mistake. I wonder if this is worse than a cop stripper - is there a hierarchy? Like FBI or CIA stripper is at the top and mall cop stripper at the bottom?

1:25 - cue the laugh track! Reminds me of that Family Guy episode where Peter starts his own TV station

1:26 - there's a sound coming from by back yard that sounds like a cross between a giant fire fly and the Smoke Monster from Lost. As an aside, that song Fireflies is the current title holder for song that most makes me want to hot wax my balls while sticking pointed sticks in my ears

1:28 - the man and woman are kissing, insinuating that they will now have sex in the principal's office. That has to violate some type of school conduct code. Cue laugh track

1:29 - advertisements for Snuggle, some make up product, Triscuits, and Clorox. Apparently Clorox prevents H1N1 - who knew? I wonder if you have to ingest it or just rub it all over your self, or maybe use it like Purell?

1:30 - ITT tech ads - these always depress me.

1:31 ( I'm a little behind, had to feed my daughter who then proceeded to poop all the way up her back - incredible/gravity defying) - so the couple from before are with some other couple (they seem to be friends and are all crowded together on a couch) and they're watching a blond women who they seem to know on the Craig Kilborn show. Wow, this must be an old show - that was forever ago. Also, the husband of the friend couple looks super familiar. He looks like a cross between Adam Sandler and Jason Biggs.

1:32 - the two women make fun of one of the men. Another staple of 40 something sitcoms - completely emasculating the husband. Why does this always happen - is life like this after 40? These guys are always either screwing up at their job, alienating their children, or not performing in bed, both from a quality and quantity standpoint. I just want a show where the dad is over 40 and completely dominates

1:33 - Laugh Track!!!! Show's over. Mercy

Upon further thought, I've decided not to watch the 1:30 show. 11 minutes is enough

Lost Live Blog "Maybe She's Born With It"

Tonight's episode is about Richard Alpert, it all started years ago as a quality assurance tester at Maybelline. He was testing a super mascara and anti-aging cream make-up, when there was a freak explosion at the factory. Since then, Richard has been cursed with beautiful skin that never wrinkles and gorgeous mascara permanently fused to his eyes.

9:01- I knew it! They're in hell! I don't have to watch the show anymore. It's over.

9:08- Of course Isabella has a fever, you're running a fire in the middle of the hot summer. Olden times people are so dumb.

9:10- Ugh these subtitles. Too much reading!

9:11-Los rosados y morados con un toque más atrevido se unen para crear una colección intensamente femenina para el look de la primavera. Los tonos de edición limitada definen los ojos con rosados tradicionales y morados vivos. Los labios se visten con suntuosos tonos rosados.

9:13- OMG Ricardo is going to HELL. (by hell I mean a beautiful island paradise)

9:14- This episode would be a lot better if they had sombreros and those belts that have bullets all over them.

9:21- Yup he's on the Black Rock, I bet they crash mysteriously just like oceanic 815 did .

9:22- Why is this guy killing everyone? No bueno.

9:24- The smoke monster is sounding more and more like a dot matrix printer this season.

9:33- I bet when his wife was on the boat, it was just the smoke monster pretending to be her, then changing into the monster again, not killing her. This episode has much less to do with mascara then I thought it would.

9:35- Those wounds on his wrists can be fixed up easily with Maybelline age defying wound cover up cream.

9:43- Is this show really going to be about heaven and hell?

9:46- Jacob seems pretty pissed. Also a little pale... you know, a little Maybelline "natural coverage" foundation would work wonders for his skin.

9:51- I'm starting to feel like neither Jacob or the guy in black are allowed to lie. Notice they say things that are always true, and admit what they are, but always convince people anyway. Must be part of the rules.

9:53- Do you want a job? Just fax over your resume, I'll get the paperwork finished with HR.

9:55- So the island is the cork of hell. I so knew that.

9:56- I can't take Hurley seriously, in any situation.

9:57- The reason Hurley can see dead people is because he smoked a lot of weed.

10:00- What the fuck is this show about.

Lost Live Blog "Psychic and the Con Man"

This blog is late, sorry had to travel for work!

9:01- I'm always amazed at how fluent Jins English has become. He's a genius!

9:03- Apparently there is a whole secret society of Con men out there that we don't know about, and they are all trying to con each other.

9:04- Do you think that every single Sawyer's police sting operation involves banging some lady? I wonder what their legal team thinks about it.

9:08- Clairs monkey baby was funny.

9:11- "Psychic and The Con Man" great title for buddy cop show

9:18- Oh great Charlotte. BORING.

9:20- Taking bets that Sawyer bangs Charlotte.

9:20 and 30 seconds - Sawyer banged Charlotte.

9:21- Sawyer is like a real character now, it was a lot funner when he was just a wise cracking con man.

9:23- Locke pimp slapped Clair! Her hair looks like a bird nest.

9:25- WTF with the dead bodies from the plane.

9:27- Not lost related but one of the commercials had a cat wearing bunny ears for Easter. It was similar to this:



9:30- "Psychic and The Con Man" looks like a fun show!

9:31- Taking bets Sawyer bangs Miles

9:32- Love the cliche "punching the mirror" scene

9:33- I don't like this chick with the glasses.

9:33- Zombie Locke is at least honest. Starting to to make it hard to pick sides. Maybe it's not good vs evil.

9:34- I bet lady with the glasses is a con man!

9:36- Called it!

9:42- Are we supposed to believe the smoke monster has mommy issues? I wonder what smoke monsters mom looks like. I also wonder how smoke monsters procreate. (ashamed of my thought process here)

9:43- Whitmores group looks like the nerd patrol. God damn geeks.

9:44- Ladies, just so you know: Contrary to popular belief, most single guys usually sit around and watch Little Louse on the Prairie instead of sports while eating our microwave dinners and drinking beer.

9:45- I like how he brought the beer and a flower with him when he went to see Charlotte. He probably should have brought his Little House On The Prairie DVD collection too.

9:55- lol @ car crash and chase sequence. Currently writing a letter to ABC pleading them to make "Psychic and the Con Man"

9:59- We're takin the sub... because anyone can operate a sub, as opposed to an airplane.

10:00- Excited about Richards episode next week.

Lost Live Blog

8:59- Holy shit there are only 10 episodes left.

9:00-Tonight's episode is about Ben's death, if you asked me a couple of years ago who my favorite character was it was probably him, since every episode with him in it was super evil. But lately he's been kind of boring. Time for him to die.

9:01- Serious, who gets caught up on Lost on these 20 second recaps, they make no sense. If you missed even one episode you're fucked.

9:02- Time for me to make my obligatory joke about how the show isn't called "Answers" it's called "Lost" we're never going to figure it out.

9:03 - Hey look it's that guy that blew up, maybe he'll blow tonight. (crossing fingers)

9:05- Placing bets on if Ben kills the principal

9:07- Everything about Lapidus makes me laugh

9:11- Organic frozen meals. Gay.

9:12 - Taking bets that Ben kills his dad

9:12- Fun Fact: Ben's dad was Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite.

9:13- Taking bets that Ben bangs his daughter in the alternate universe.

9:15- Oh god Quann, we get it, you want to find Gin, fucking do it already you've been talking about it for like 20 episodes.

9:15- Hurley is funny cause he's fat.

9:15- Say it out loud, Lapidus...

9:22- Ben's daughter is kind of hot

9:25:- I love how nobody will explain anything to anyone on this show: Hurley: how come you never age... Mascara dude: can't tell you, we still haven't figured out how to write the explanations yet, even though it's been 5 seasons. ONLY 10 EPISODES LEFT.

9:31- I hope explosion guys just explodes for no reason. No explanation.

9:33- It all makes sense now, Mascara dude has mascara because he was a pirate on that boat.

9:42- Oh hi Locke

9:44- Banging the nurse in school, it's like a porno movie

9:48- Ben is going for the Emmy right here.

9:56- Totally redeemed himself.

9:57- Random shots of Lapidus cracking me up

9:58- Are we really supposed to be moved that they reunited again? This is like the 30th time.

9:59- Ben didn't die, they lied to us in the previews! I don't really care.

10:00- Lol at the periscope

The Crazies is A Steaming Pile of Poop. I liked it.

Let's not mince words here. The Crazies is a terrible movie. If "Land of the Dead" and "Diary of the Dead" had a baby, this would be the movie that resulted... except that it would have been put up for adoption afterward in disgust. To prove my point I only have to mention the fact (spoiler alert.. like it matters) the main characters narrowly escape a nuclear explosion by outrunning it with a Mac Truck at the end. Makes sense.

But that said, I had a lot of fun watching this movie. I really like terrible movies sometimes. The reason is, I don't have to judge them. I don't have to think about if this is Oscar worthy, or if it's blockbuster worthy.. I can just sit back and watch this Mac Truck train wreck play out. I already know it's terrible, and it makes me happy. I laughed throughout this whole movie, I made snide remarks to the screen. Nobody cared, they all knew they were watching poop on film.

Best scene from the movie: Car Wash.
Terrifying if you will. Imagine, you drive into a car wash. You look out the window and, THE BRUSHES ARE MOVING REALLY FAST. You try to escape but THE SOAP CAUSES YOUR TIRES TO LOSE FRICTION. The suspense is terrifying, you can not escape. After the car wash you get out, the car is sparkling. Suddenly a missile blows up your car. End scene.